Increasing Mass

With an average of a couple hours spent in the office every morning, the topic of conversation amongst us letter carriers can get interesting. Usually a lot of good-natured tearing each other to pieces is part of it…gotta have some fun. On one particular day, we got around to discussing what you wanted to be when you grew up, because, let’s face it, none of us has ever said, “When I grow up, I wanna be a mailman!” Just doesn’t ever happen…

So we made the rounds, and fireman, policeman, pro ballplayer, and other things like that came up. One woman, who at the time of this story must have been around 50, said that when she was a little girl she wanted to grow up to be a cocktail waitress…which got just about the reaction from everyone that you would expect; “What?!?” Granted, we’re living in Las Vegas now, but none of us are from here, and she was raised in Colorado, not exactly the capital of cocktail-waitressing. So, after a bit of hubbub died down, she was given her chance to explain the motive behind her unfulfilled career choice.

Turns out, her father had been a waiter in various restaurants and hotels, so as a little girl, she used to see a lot of the restaurant business, and she must have admired it, and it seemed like something she wanted to do. Okay, with that explanation, it seemed plausible, although still a little unusual. This is a rather unusual woman though, so it kinda fit.

Finally I queried as to what happened as to divert her from her dream of being a waitress and into the glamorous world of mail carrying. Before she could answer, another carrier, a nice guy, very short and thin, not anyone you would expect anything lethal out of, chirped out;

“She gained weight!”

…and the silence that came over the room was chilling. Eyes widened, jaws slackened, hands were clasped over mouths, plants wilted, birds fell from the sky... The author of this quote quickly realized that he may have crossed over into a land from which no man returns alive. Fortunately for him, the victim of this gibe has a wonderful sense of humor, and is more than capable of laughing at herself, and, although the look of shock on her face was genuine, it was quickly replaced with a big smile and a laugh, which in turn was everyone else’s cue to start laughing as well…it WAS pretty damn funny.

When we attended the memorial service of the little mailman who authored that quote a week later, we remembered him fondly…


Blog Post Soundtrack; Voivod, Rollins Band, Nuclear Assault, Kyuss, Pearl Jam (doing a live cover of a Neil Young song), The White Stripes (doing a live cover of a Brendan Benson song), The Beastie Boys, James Brown, Zeke, The Misfits, Minutemen, Judas Priest, Slayer (covering a Judas Priest song), Soundgarden, System Of A Down, The Specials (sort-of covering a Rolling Stones song)